Really Listening

When have you really listened?

Our lives are made up of moments that can sometimes feel like they’re flying by us. We gravitate towards our own self-interests, wants and needs so that we feel better about who we are and what we’re doing. Too frequently that means we don’t take the time to hear each other. We are waiting impatiently to speak or thinking about what we’re going to say (Levine, 2009, p. 131). Instead of being laser-focused on what the other person is saying, we think about how we want to respond. A lot of times, we choose to interrupt the person because we either don’t want to forget what we want to say, or we want clarifying information. Listening to someone, really listening to someone takes effort, timing and patience. It is an important information gathering vehicle for all concerned (Levine, 2009, p. 121).

Conflict of the heart

Recently, my wife’s uncle took his own life. It was a tremendous burden on the family and caused a lot of grief. Although this wasn’t a conflict caused by angry coworkers or a retail agent telling a customer to wear a facial covering in a store, this very much was a conflict of the heart. There was so much pain involved for so many people, the least I could do was listen to them tell their stories about their uncle, father and brother. That is why the first action step in the Cycle of Resolution is the opportunity for each participant to tell their story from beginning to end, without interruption (Levine, 2009, p. 122).

I feel a sense of duty when coming to the aid of my family, especially when it means they need to cope with a tragic loss like a family member. I spent a lot of the past week just listening to my wife and her family tell stories about their uncle. As with the grieving process, they needed to reminisce about the good memories they had with each other. There was a lot of crying and hugging, but most of all, there was a lot of listening. Each person took time to share their thoughts and memories and you could see everyone being lifted little by little, until there were more smiles and laughs than frowns and tears. When you initially become involved in resolving a conflict, it is essential to listen to the story, the whole story, in the way the other person wants to tell it (Levine, 2009, p. 123).

The difference with listening

When you take the time to listen to someone, you learn more about them and yourself. By giving someone else an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings with you, it helps your ability to be more empathetic and ultimately a better communicator. This differs from my normal communication, because I’m usually more less patient to wait for all the details. I’m too quick to jump to the conclusion and should do a better job of giving people their chance to talk without interruption. I’ve learned that I frustrate myself most of the time, because I’m not taking my own advice. This is a consequence of not treating people better and it can be corrected by simply letting the other person speak. Let them tell their story the way they want to tell it. This not only will help with resolving the conflict, but will also make you a more complete person.

References

Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution turning conflict into collaboration (Second). Berrett-Koehler Publishers.